Fuck the boomerang

Sinister’s right, it is a very bad thing to feel that one’s sexual attraction is disgusting. Now, added to that, think of all the people who don’t have this problem, and I don’t think they could get even close to understanding how it feels.

I guess I cut the rope I was hanging from, which all of you were pulling up. I believe I spit on your faces, and that was not only politically incorrect, but beyond that. Rude, to say the least. But I won’t go into apologizing. Perhaps some think I just was honest, but not even I think that way.

Now that I don’t want to count on you for supporting me, it was a very lonely day. I didn’t even feel like hanging around with the straight world. Because it all went back to how it used to be in the very beginning. I’m lying to them all, and I can’t help feeling as a traitor for that. I guess that feeling was relieved in so much as I had a chance to hang around with the gay world. It somehow took off much of the guilt and made me feel a lot better, allowing me to breath and share with the straight world as well. But I can’t go on having you supporting me and at the same time me thinking that you are wrong, that you are weak, that you just gave in for a lie that brings peace of mind to you.

FasalazA pointed out the very bottom line. What am I doing besides whining here? But, you know what? I believe that’s just it. I don’t feel I’m able to put up with anything else in my life without the sex issue being resolved.

I agree I should just go ahead and taste merengue once and for all, but I don’t know why is it I’m delaying this.

I guess I’m suspicious the boomerang effect is being played on me. You know, that I should taste that which I do not like, and therefore become convinced that’s not the way for me to go. But, you know what? I guess I’m gonna have my shrink work a little bit more. I kind of disagree with him on that taste for women can be developed just by physical experience. I believe sexual attraction emerges before any physical experience, so I think he should be able to figure out why I feel attracted to men instead of women, and fix that. After all, that’s what I’m paying him for, am I not?

I feel he’s playing tricks on me. He says he wants me to think and decide by myself, and that is why he is not telling the answers he says he has. I kind of agreed with that in the beginning, I mean, after all, I believe him to be competent in his subject matter. However, by now I don’t feel comfortable anymore with him throwing my questions back to me. You know it’s like when the 40-year-old-virgin runs into this girl in the store and goes replying to her with questions all the time, and that way he gets her to go to bed with him. But I don’t want my shrink to fuck me, and I don’t want to fuck him either, I just want him to get his fucking job done.

That’s it for now. Good fucking night.