Back to the start

I went out for a little ride. There was an open meeting at a store and I thought it would be a fine way for meeting people.

I arrived a bit late, but not that it mattered anyway. I didn’t know what it was going to be like, so first I wandered around the store pretending I was just shopping, but with an eye on the meeting and its attendees.

First thing I noticed is that their culture was so different from ours, and I can’t blame them for that, but it just made me feel uncomfortable. I hanged around for some more minutes, picked up some items that seemed interesting to me, but as I fell so disappointed for the meeting, I just left the items and took off.

I don’t think it was just the cultural difference, though. No, it wasn’t, definitely. It was that I felt like a traitor once more, that I would be deceiving them. How can it be that I am not willing to embrace the gay culture and at the same time I cannot fit in into any other group either? Well, quite stressing, actually.

It’s strange. I didn’t think I would ever go back to seeing things the way I did before getting into the blogsphere. But I do, and the pressure is building up once more, quite fast.

Again I cannot see the way out. I guess this was like the Awakening movie. It was just a drug that woke me up to enjoy life for once, but it wouldn’t last anyway. All the plans I could have made are useless. I guess this is why I didn’t even start thinking about plans anyway.

At this point I feel I should get things ready for my departure. You know, all the stuff relatives have to take care of, I should have it ready for them.

Once more: Am I writing this to draw your attention? Am I expecting some reaction from you? Is it that the world would stop spinning just for paying attention to me?

This whining goes on and on, and my determination is so very weak. Is it that I don’t start getting the stuff ready because in the end I don’t want to go just yet? But then what is it that would make me wanna stay some more time? Curiosity is just not enough when one is in pain.

I believe understanding beyond any doubt the causes of homosexuality, and effectively correcting it would give me some peace of mind. But this is taking so long, so very long. Even specialists’ debate seems not to be getting anywhere at all. What can I, a mere mortal, expect to come up with?

You know, I use to think about knowledge revolution, like when some Physics teacher came up with a theory that brought a whole new way for understanding the Universe. Yes, I can be that much pretentious, but it just hasn’t happened yet. So my other option is to just end this. What’s the use of living in such pain, such hopelessness? I might not need mechanical ventilation, I might not be a vegetable, but it just feels there’s no way out of this. The drug that awoke me back to life ceased to have any effect despite higher doses, and my sense of duty is just something I don’t care much anyway. So what’s the use?

More ranting is on the way, stay tuned.